We only found out about you a few weeks ago. We are told it’s too soon for us to tell people. Mainly because, statistically speaking, so much can go wrong in these first few weeks of pregnancy. Most advise we keep it a secret as long as possible, so as to not cause ourselves the pain of having to tell friends and loved ones about a potential loss. It’s been a very hard rule to follow, as we are very excited, but also, a very easy one, because we are very scared. The truth is, Baby, that this is a frightening time. Most women my age are currently trying for and conceiving babies. I know many women that have endured terrible loss. Few women I know have gotten through a pregnancy without complications. Problems have ranged from miscarriages, to stillbirths and sometimes worse. This is a war women face silently, and it feels at times like you can reduce a successful pregnancy and delivery sometimes only to “luck”. Before we started trying for you, I convinced myself that wasn’t lucky and that I would never be able to handle such a loss. I thought that I wasn’t strong enough, not only for getting through your birth, but also for a lifetime of being paralyzed with fear over what could happen to you in your precious life.
They say when you have a child it’s like having your heart walk around outside of you. This was a terrifying prospect to me. You see, Baby, I’ve always been a worrywart; more, in fact- a diagnosed Catastrophist. A freak, concerned about all the terrible things that could go wrong in life, worrying at every turn that something bad could and would happen. This has caused me to be terrified of many of life’s milestones, including marrying your father. I thought things could never be easy or ok, let alone happy. Luckily for me, 12 years with your Daddy has taught me that happiness is not only possible, it is the most real thing we actually have in this life. That’s why I’m so excited about you. You see, I realized something about you that is very powerful. You are on your own, and that’s an amazing thing.
I realized it the moment we found out you were coming. Because you see, you’re the first thing in my life I haven’t had to work incredibly hard to make happen. And I’m not talking about how you were made, I’m talking about the fact that you and the Universe are making you as we speak, with no conscious help from me. All I’m doing is nurturing myself to nurture you, and it seems every day I check my GLOW app, you’ve sprouted some new necessary body part, and I find myself being so impressed with you. How are you doing that? You’ve made me realize that I did it too, long ago. I so wanted to be here that I came to be. And so you too, shall come to be, without me having to try. It’s the most amazing process I’ve ever taken part in.
When I realized how powerful you are, how powerful this process is, while being so incredibly fragile, I realized it is a metaphor for life itself. Security is an illusion, Baby. That doesn’t mean I won’t work my hardest to make you believe in it under my care, but it’s true. I feel about you, that you are the most powerful force I have ever encountered, and yet, you could be gone at any second. And I realized, that’s not just the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, or until you’re born, or until you’re 18, you will ALWAYS be the most powerful, fragile thing in my life. Accepting this about you has shown me that I’m truly ready for you. Not only do I accept it, I celebrate it. Not only do I celebrate it, I am wholly liberated by it. Thank you for that.
So the thing I want to say is that I trust you. I know you and God have a plan for your life and mine, and how we will know each other and for how long. I made the decision to let go of fear, because it was preventing me from feeling joy, and you, Baby, are nothing if not pure joy. And I so want to feel you. So, here’s my promise: I will always do everything in my power to care for, nurture, and protect you. And I will worry for you. Always. But I will not fear, and I will not be a slave to fear like I was before you came along. Because your life is your life, as you have proven with your incredible heart beat. You are your own person, with your own strength, and you will be here when and for how long and in what manner you choose. You are obviously very strong. You fought to be here, and you must continue to fight every moment to live. I know that because you are my child, you are going to be able to do this. And I know, because you are my child, that when you are done fighting, it will be on your terms, and I will honor that. Should I ever feel the need to grieve for you, Baby, it will only be because I cherish the way you’ve changed me, and whatever time we have together, I will celebrate. ALWAYS.
I’ve heard people say that having a child was their greatest accomplishment. I don’t know if I’ll feel that way about you. You are no accomplishment of mine. You are your own accomplishment. What I will say, Baby, is that you are the bravest thing I have ever done. Making you and growing you has been like walking off a cliff into a pile of cotton candy. You are the bravest thing I have ever done, the greatest risk, and the greatest reward, and we haven’t even met. So, thank you. You are teaching me so much about my own power and ability, and I admire you for yours. You are on your own, now and always. Please know that this is more than enough. You are more than enough, and if you ever forget, I will always be here to remind you.
Yours in loving gratitude and astonishment,